Next week I will not have held, or been held by my husband for two years.
I don’t think I could say that if he were still alive. I couldn’t have gone 24 hours without talking to him or touching him if he still walked this Earth. We even spoke five times a day at his Bucks weekend (to his friends disgust!)
It has been one hell of ride. And by ride I don’t mean fun.
The pain that I have endured in this 24 month period would be enough to take out a small community of people. At least it feels that way.
I have managed to survive on auto pilot most days. I’ve kept a job (probably only by the skin of my teeth). I have smiled and laughed, turned up to things that I really had to push myself to turn up to, and done some amazing things, but with a hollowness that was hidden beneath the surface of my facade.
This has been no secret, I know that you all know that I will continue to try and fill that void… it is not something that I wish would follow me around… but none the less, there it is.
What I have learned in this 2 year period is priceless however.
Life is there to be lived… Look at your partners, your parents, your children… your friends, lovers, neighbours and in laws… these are real living, walking, breathing humans… that will not be around forever.
Share that feeling or emotion you’ve always wanted to share, take them places you can’t afford to go, tell them stories of your life you’ve hidden from them.
One thing I will never regret was that I did everything I could with the man of my dreams.
I told him every thought I’d ever had, every naughty thing I’d ever done, every dream I’d wished to fulfill, and every dream I had fulfilled.
We went away every year for our anniversary at my parent’s request (who also took the kids each time). We would take the kids to Luna Park on our last $100, we bought vouchers for weekends away we really couldn’t afford, and we once travelled to Hamilton Island with two weeks notice and no money. (We even ordered Coles Online to be delivered to our hotel room so we could afford to eat there!)
We never allowed our lack of money or our tight budget to stop us from living. There was always bills to be paid… and they were always eventually paid. But the experiences we had will be forever locked in my heart.
The year we took a week off each to travel to Thailand and Bali with a mate was wonderful. Sure we’d have loved to go together, but we knew we couldn’t afford it with the whole family, so we did it anyway.
There are so many things that I will never regret… I only wish I’d known that night when he took off in the ambulance that it was to be the last time I’d see him awake, then I’d have grabbed him and kissed him and told him that he’d made me the happiest woman on Earth every day… just by being himself.
I know he knew it, but it’s something that will stay with me forever.
I hope my experiences have helped some of you… even if it just frightens you enough to grab life by the balls… and live it.
As far as I know, it’s the only one you’ll ever get. It’s time this pain propelled me to live again.
Miss you baby. xxxxxxxx
To read more from Emma, visit Widow Mama