- There are stages of grief and this may be the first thing you find when you Google 'grief' and 'widow'. However, do understand that the stages are not linear. They happen over and over again and at times occur simultaneously. Grief is messy and confusing.
- You may have a moment in the first few days or weeks where you actually feel fine and no longer sad or in pain. This will be confusing and may feel alarming. Your brain is most likely still in shock however the reality will set in again soon. Try to enjoy this temporary reprieve and don't feel guilty about it. These moments are an important and helpful way to catch your breath and experience some peace before the waves of grief wash over you again.
- You may feel like you are going crazy. You aren’t! Everyone processes trauma differently and at the moment your mind is trying to come to terms with this massive change in your world. You might say and do things that are out of character. Don't judge yourself for this, it will settle over time.
- Try not to make any big, important, life-changing decisions in the first six to twelve months, such as changing jobs, moving house/city or giving away treasured possessions of your loved one that you might later regret. You are not 'yourself' right now and it will take time to settle into this new life and be able to make thought-out, measured decisions again.
- Death and grief can make people uncomfortable. People can say the oddest and, sometimes, most hurtful things. Just be prepared to let it wash over you.
- You will be in a fog when you prepare the funeral. Accept help where possible if needed. Remember that the purpose of funerals are for those of us left behind to say goodbye, in whatever way we need. Don't spend too much time worrying if your person would agree with your choices, you are doing the best you can in these circumstances.
- Write things down. You may be incredibly forgetful. Keep lists on the fridge and in notebooks on the bench. Sticky notes all over the house are helpful. Set the alarm on your phone for reminders. It’s also a good idea to set a recurring alarm for school pick up time (it happens – trust me!)
- Time becomes both important and irrelevant. Be gentle with yourself, always. Try to practice self-care every day in a way that is meaningful to you.
- Those around you will feel the urge to tell you what you 'should' be doing and possibly even encourage you to 'move on'. This is because they care about you but don't necessarily understand that their advice is not helpful at this time. Listen to your heart. We strongly suggest you ask your loved ones to read the someone I care about is widowed page of this website, so they can better understand how to support you at this time.
- Remember, it's ok to feel like you don't want to 'move on'. You will never 'get over' this loss, it will never not be a tragic part of your story. However, you will take steps forward, you will rebuild your life and you will feel joy and peace again, in time. You will learn to carry the love you share with your spouse into the rest of your life in a meaningful and positive way, however you will never 'move on' from this important relationship and leave this part of you behind. The time you spent with your loved one was a gift that you don't have to lose.
